Enter the Doctor (Complete via fade to black)
The Doctor was beginning to wonder about actually fixing the chameleon circuit – well, he thought about it for a few moments before wrinkling his nose at the idea. “Nah – it’s fine the way it is.” he commented aloud, looking up at the TARDIS’ central column before rolling two frayed wires together between his fingers. It wasn’t exactly that the TARDIS was broken, she was just being stubborn – so far as he could tell. She’d settled down for some reason and over the past month and a half seemed to have no desire to move on. After a rather lengthy series of conversations and a lot of flashing his psychic paper he was now a resident of sorts of Atlantis. H’d found this rather fascinating as he’d thought Atlantis wasn’t set to be discovered for at least another century or so.
As they so often did, the people on this ‘base’ ignored him for the most part, entering in and out of his TARDIS – though he’d been questioned a few times on what he did in there. Lucky thing, his ability to turn people completely around with a few of hisown questions. So far he’s not really had to answer anything – other then his name. The Doctor, just The Doctor. Which had the rather interesting side affect of having to often deal with small injuries. He pursed his lips and stepped away from the console, leaning back and sliding his hands into his pockets as he looked up at it. “Well,” he commented to her “I suppose we’ll be staying a bi longer – though I suspect you’re doing it for the attention, not that you aren’t due for some repairs..” He looked over the console and took a deep breath before blowing it out in a sigh.
Shaking his head he moved outside the TARDIS for the first time in a day or so, wondering if the shipment of bananas he’d requested had come in since last he checked.
((OCC note: Unless it’s a problem, The TARDIS probably landed in a courtyard or something.))
Tales from the Lost City Found 
Jack had been settled into his quarters and given the general tour, with the lovely Ms. Lehane as co-touree. He’d settled his things in quickly enough. He set about to wander around on his own. He wasn’t entirely sure his debriefing had made anyone any happier to have him here, but it had cleared the air a bit.
He was heading toward the science labs when something down one of the hallways caught his eye. It was just a sliver of color peeking out of an alcove. He stopped, backed up three steps and looked again.
“You have to be kidding me,” he grinned, his heart rate started to do double time. No way. Not here… but there it was. The Tardis. That sweet, glorious, beautiful blue box.
He practically ran down the corridor just as someone stepped out of the doors. It was a tall, thin man in a pinstriped suit that could definitely get in more than spitting distance of a good dry cleaner. The man had a head full of brown, slightly ruffled hair. Kinda like the suit. He wasn’t too bad looking, either. Had the Doctor picked up a new companion? Was this one of Rose’s infamous pretty boy strays?
“Hey! Hold up.” Jack caught up to the stranger and tapped his shoulder. “Is the Doctor in?”
The Doctor turned and looked up and then grinned delightedly. “Jack!” he exclaimed excitedly, throwing his arms out and then putting them on his shoulders.
“Look at you!” He said with a wide grin, “What are you doing here, making business deals with the locals?” He raised an eyebrow at ‘business deals’ looking him over. It had been a almost fifty years since the last time he’d seen Jack Harkness but he wasn’t the sort easily forgotten, not that the Doctor ever forgot any of his companions.
He was a bit surprised to see him, having thought him dead just after the last time he saw him. Though, to the Doctor’s reckoning he’d heard Jack die – the Daleks had gotten him, of that he’d been sure. His grin stayed plastered on his face as he looked Jack over and considered what that meant, if he had been alive he would have been the only one, and he’d been left abandoned as he fled with Rose. He’d told her that Jack had a role yet to play, not wanting to put the burden of his death on her.
Rose – the thought almost made his grin falter. He’d have to tell Jack about Rose, or at least something about her. Well, that could be put off easily enough for at least a short time.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think we’ve met.” Jack put on his most charming smile. “At least not yet, for me. And I’m fairly certain I’d remember you.” He checked the guy out. Oh yeah, most decidedly on the ‘pretty’ side. He’d remember this one.
“But I am here on business. Is the Doctor inside or is he nearby?”
Jack had been looking for so long, while holding himself back at times to preserve the timeline. He still wasn’t sure what he’d do when he saw the Doctor again.
The Tardis had been the first place to feel like home in a very long time. The Doctor and Rose had made him turn himself around and want to be a better man. That was why their abandonment still left a raw, gaping wound, even after all these long years. And he needed answers. Real answers.
“Yes, actually, he is. Come inside.” The Doctor turned then, unlocking the TARDIS and opening the door, leading the way in. From the looks of it Jack hadn’t changed much in his greetings, but the Doctor noticed something about him at core, something bit darker, perhaps dangerous, he just wasn’t sure what yet.
Reaching the console he turned around and looked at him. “He’s right here.” After a brief pause he raised his hand, gave jack a little wave and grinned. “Hello.”
There was a sense of welcome as Jack walked into the Tardis once more. The gentle thrum that always brought to mind a heartbeat, and in a way was. The feeling of mental warmth that wrapped around him like a warm blanket. He reached out to stroke down one of the organic support beams.
The man who led him in went right to the console.
Jack frowned. What was he playing at? Was he trying to say he was the Doctor? Yeah, right. The Doctor may be gangly, but not quite that skinny. Not to mention he looked COMPLETELY different and spoke with a Manchester accent.
“Very funny. Now where’s the Doctor?” Jack let his lack of amusement show. His voice took a hard edge. His stance stiffened.
Maybe the Doctor was in trouble. Wouldn’t that just be his luck. Had the Tardis been … Tardisnapped? Could she be? Maybe this guy had stolen her.
Drawing a weapon in the man in here would be useless unless the state of temporal grace was switched off. He’d only seen that done the once, when he got to shoot a Dalek in this very room.
But Jack didn’t always need a firearm.
The Doctor looked Jack over. He knew this stance – a stance Jack took when he was preparing for a fight, mental or physical. He didn’t believe him, not that the Doctor could blame him, explaining regenerations could be quite difficult with some people. Both of his eyebrows raised and his jaw jutted out slightly, barring his teeth – which oddly enough looked to be a thoughtful expression on the lanky ‘Doctor’. An instant later his expression changed slightly to an almost cunning look and he turned his gaze back to Jack.
“There was a time, just before we parted ways, when you told me you never would doubt me. Seeing as the only three that heard that were you, the emperor of the Daleks and myself, how else would I know?” His eyebrows raised again and he tilted his head slightly, before grinning like an idiot again.
“Brilliant goodbye, by the way.”
Jack frowned. The Doctor was never very talkative about his past. Although he could go on forever about any other topic. Jack had gotten the salient bits of his history, some from Rose, but never details, never discussions of people known in the past, unless it was historical figures for the boasting/name dropping bit.
The Doctor Jack knew wouldn’t have told that story to anyone, except maybe Rose.
“Doctor?” He took a step closer. How? He knew people changed… but not like this.
“Hello.” The Doctor grinned again.
“Brilliant goodbye…” Jack tucked his chin down. He struck lightening fast. His fist connecting hard with the left side of the Doctor’s jaw.
“How’s that for hello then?”
The Doctor neither expected it, nor saw it coming so when it hit he was completely laid out. Once he hit the floor he laid there, still, eyes closed, and so far as anyone could tell – unconscious. This particular incarnation of the Doctor didn’t take punches well, and Jack had one hell of a punch.
It was a about a minute and a half before he sat strait up with a huge gasp and looked at Jack with wide eyed surprise.
“You… you left me. I saw the Tardis fading away and realized you had just left me. I stood there for over two hours, thinking you’d come back. There had to be some sort of emergency. You were just going back for Rose. But you didn’t come back. I was there for two weeks. The only one alive. Two weeks with over two hundred bodies. I couldn’t fit them all into the freezers in the commissary or the Big brother houses, you know. I tried fitting the ones that couldn’t fit into one of the studios and welding the door shut.” Jack had started pacing, running his hand through his hair.
“You never forget that smell. I was in war before. Been trapped with bodies before. I already knew the smell. It sinks into you. You just breathe the dead. And these were people I led into battle. I lied to, set them up to buy time. I knew I was setting them up to die. I looked them in the face and told them there was a chance. I told myself that this was my punishment. That I was really dead, and this was hell. Just me and the people I might as well have murdered. Breathing them in. Then the systems started shutting down. I did what repairs I could, trying to keep just life support going. Didn’t have to worry about the smell anymore when everything was freezing.”
He was gesturing wildly as he paced, back and forth, back and forth. “I dragged the food from the Big Brother houses into the engineering room where the life support was run. The equipment I barely kept running kept it just warm enough if I pressed against it. And I knew help wasn’t coming. Earth was devastated. The survivors had a hell of a lot more to worry about than sending a shuttle up to the station for survivors who weren’t there. I started stripping the escape pods the Dalek had destroyed. Out of fifty I managed to patch together one working one. Half the time I couldn’t feel my hands from the cold.”
He paused to look at his hands, remembering the blue color, the chillbanes. The frostbite.
“I managed to calculate a trajectory and get off that hunk of metal. If I was in hell, I figured I’d just end up back in there. If I wasn’t, then I’d either make it or die trying. Either option was better than the first.”
Jack shook his head. No, he was not ready to share that. He had died trying. His makeshift pod had made it through atmo and crashed into the Salt Flats in Utah. He’d come around with burnt clothing, covered in blood and not a scratch on him. Not even a brush burn. It had to be his blood. He had to have burnt with his clothing in those spots. The pod was in peices. No way he survived that. It took two days trudging through the Salt Flats. Another ring of hell. Second degree sunburn. No water. He’d passed out from heatstroke and dehydration. He’d come to again, no sunburn. Still thirsty.
He knew now that he’d died twice then.
“You left me,” his voice broke now as the last was said almost in a whisper.
The Doctor pushed himself up slowly, watching Jack as the other man paced back and forth recalling the details of the hell the Doctor had put him through. Guilt washed over him as the full weight of what he’d done to Jack settled over him. It hadn’t been the first time he’d lost a companion to death, or left one behind, but it was the first time he’d left one for dead – to suffer through agonies that probably would have killed a lesser man.
How many more people would suffer because of him, he wondered. He knew himself well enough to know he couldn’t long go without a companion. His worst fear in the world was to go mad, and the companions staved off the madness, sometimes at the eventual cost of their lives. He knew from experience though that he couldn’t resist taking one eventually, no matter how long he’d tried. It had been good 45 years after Rose before he’d taken Martha – not counting his little adventure with Donna – after she’d refused him he’d decided he was better off alone. When Jack’s voice cracked the Doctor looked up, his throat tight and his jaw clenched. He swallowed thickly and shook his head.
“Jack… I heard you die… I thought-” He trailed off. At this point it didn’t matter what he thought. He’d put a friend through hell and there was probably nothing he could ever do to earn his forgiveness, no matter the circumstances surrounding his absence. Noting the look on the other’s face though, he reached out, holding out his arm to the man in an offered embrace. He was almost positive that his hand would be shoved away, but the chance that Jack needed it was more then worth it.
Jack actually fell into the embrace offered. He’d been the strong one for so long. It felt good, for just a moment, to actually lean on someone. To be on the receiving end of support. To be in the presence of someone he could actually be weak in front of, because they had seen him and known him ‘before’.
He took a moment to actually shed a few tears while holding on to the Doctor. He still smelled faintly of honey and engine oil, but the scent of leather was gone. Replaced by fabric, and he had even changed his soap.
Jack sniffed and backed away a bit. He wiped away the wet streaks then reached out to cup the Doctor’s new face. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the other man’s lips.
“I am glad to see you again. And I did die. I knew I had, but couldn’t face it for a while. I was dead. Then there was this golden light. I thought I heard someone say ‘life’ and I was breathing again, hurting all over. There was ash all over. But no Dalek.”
Jack moved back a bit more. Okay, he wasn’t going to detail EVERYTHING. “Doctor, I’m over a hundred years old. I can’t die. Can’t stay dead anyway. I’ve been shot in the head, electrocuted, impaled, strangled… I die for a bit, then just … wake up. I’ve done tests, as far as my own medical knowledge goes. I need to know what happened. Because I’m certain this started at the Game Station.”
The Doctor hugged Jack tightly against him, surprised at the sudden show of weakness – something he’d not expected to ever see from the man who’d gone grinning into the face of his own death. When Jack pressed his lips against the Doctor’s his heart clenched. He kissed back for a brief moment before the other pulled away, wanting to express his affection and sadness that he’d caused Jack tis much pain.
When Jack told him he had died, and then explained what had happened, the Doctor’s face took on an expression of surprised realization, then for a moment a flicker of sadness passed over him.
“Well,” He exclaimed, his face showing no signs of anything but intrigue, “we’ll have to have a look at you in the medlab then, won’t we? It’s quite fascinating really, you just wake up?” He looked Jack over again, not waiting for a reply before he turned to the TARDIS controls and pulled a few switches, glancing up at the column.
“We’ll have time – I’m not going anywhere for a while it seems, TARDIS is acting up a bit I’m afraid.” He grimaced slightly, sucking in air from his teeth before whirling and looking at Jack again.
“So, what’s this business you have here?”
“You don’t know what happened? I thought you might have… done something.” Jack managed to recover himself quickly, pulling himself back together.
Seeing the Doctor again had been confusing and an emotional tangle. And he had kissed back! Jack tried not to read too much into it. After all, the Doctor was all about Rose. And where was Rose? How long had it been for the Doctor? How had he changed? The questions were buzzing together, giving him the start of a headache.
“Sometimes I have a bit of lingering discomfort or weakness after coming round. Depends on the damage done, how bad it was. And how long I’m out varies the same way. I haven’t tried decapitation or being blown up yet, so not sure what would happen then. Don’t really want to try. If I came back like that…” he shook his head, “I’d be real popular at Halloween.”
Jack ran his fingers over the outer edge of the console. “You giving him a message girl?” Jack gave the Doctor a look. “Might have something to do with a certain mallet. Told you she’d get tired of the abuse.”
“I’m liaison for Torchwood. I run Torchwood three in Cardiff. Alien threats, alien tech, time distortions… seemed like the perfect job for a guy like me. By the way most of any history you may have had in the early development of the institute was the victim of a mysterious computer virus.”
Jack looked around the console room. Not much had changed. “How long has it been?”
He wasn’t going to ask about Rose if it had been too long. He’d lost too many himself. Time was relentless and unforgiving, the bitch.
“I might have a theory.” He responded, glancing at Jack as he moved around the TARDIS console, but didn’t comment further on the cause. When Jack continued with the symptoms he eyes him for a moment, then glanced downward baring his teeth as he so often did when he considered something. He grinned at the Halloween comment and looked about to comment when Jack spoke to the TARDIS, then frowned slightly.
“She responds well to the Mallet… love taps and all. She’ll be fine soon, I think she’s just in it for the attention.” At least.. that was what he hoped. She’d given him no indication of being sick, and it wasn’t the first time she’d grounded him.
“Liaison, really.” He seemed a bit surprised. “I thought you might be selling them abandoned Chelonian nursery capsules or something.” He teased with a grin. The Doctor looked down when Jack asked about how long it had been.
“Not as long for me as you… a few decades.” He responded softly, not elaborating much. He wasn’t sure when Jack would ask about Rose, or what he’d say. He was unable to stop from looking up at Jack with a certain amount of curiosity.
“As you can see, I regenerated – that’s what Time Lord’s do when they die. Happened just after we parted ways, actually it was happing as I was leaving.” He shook his head again, not wanting to remind Jack of that once again.
“Nah. I only use my powers for the forces of good now. Or at least forces of less harmful than the other. Good fluctuates with the situation.” That was something the Doctor would understand. Sometimes you had to make sacrifices. Like a nine year old little girl. How ‘good’ was that? “But being persuasive helps. And being something close to legitimate.”
Jack listened to the rest of the Doctor’s conversation. Decades? a few? Two or three… Rose could still be around then.
“You were dying?” Jack hadn’t expected that. “What happened? And how do you… regenerate? Keep extra bodies in a tank around here somewhere?” Here was his chance. “Bet Rose loves that.”
Oh yeah, in a tank. Should he mention that? Hey Doc, can I lend you a hand? Nah, not now.
(OOC:heading to bed. Type ya in the morning.)
“When I die,” the Doctor began, still busying himself on switches on the console, “my body rebuilds itself – rather instantaneously. I suppose you could compare me to a phoenix if we want to involve similes.” He made a face and looked at a readout screen hoping that perhaps the TARDIS had had a change of heart. He grimaced slightly and went back to flipping switches.
“It was a bit complicated, got a bit sick after that, then had to deal with the Sycorax shortly after. Interesting lot there, scavengers, used blood control – not very friendly either. Not very bright – but definitely not the friendly sort. Got that all cleared up and after a bit of tea I was off and about again.” He grinned a bit, completely ignoring the mention of Rose.
“So Jack Harkness, gone official and all that. How’s it feel having gone strait again? Ever get that old wanderlust?” He raised his eyebrows at him, making it an offer without actually offering – the Doctor did not enjoy being flatly turned down and subtlety was a way to avoid that.
“Rebuilding itself? Does not sound fun. Must hurt like a son of a bitch.” Jack shook his head. “Still, I suppose it’s better than the alternative.”
“Was there for the Sycorax. Had to try to keep our team doctor from taking a nose dive off the Millennium center. By the time I found out you were involved you were already gone. Did a number on Harriet Jones as well. Too bad you couldn’t take out the jackass at Torchwood One who let her call shots she had no right or business making. We aren’t supposed to be enforcers for any government. The weapon wasn’t even ready. They fried it and may have declared war. That wasn’t in my history books.” Jack tipped his head back, looking up at the distant ceiling.
“I’m not sure I’ve gone straight. I always have an eye for the angle. Just don’t use it for myself anymore.”
Get itchy feet all the time. Its been decades since I was off planet. That was one of the perks of this assignment. Not seeing the same sky, the same gravity every day. And time. I did accidentally jump back via the rift once. Three days before I met you for the first time, actually.” Jack’s eyes briefly looked haunted again. How do you fall in love in five hours? It didn’t make sense.
“If I could have got hold of a time ship, I’d have taken a few sabbaticals, that’s for sure. Gotten away, decompressed, go back to being me. But I’m needed now. On Earth. I’m doing something really important. I haven’t had that feeling of purpose since… a long time. I’d have to go back eventually, even if I did managed to get hold of a ship. To the day I left, take up the cause again. But I’d always be looking forward to the next vacation.”
Jack could dance around as well. He might not have had the centuries at it that the Doctor had. But he did have *A* century of it.
“You’re gonna have to tell me eventually, Doc. I’ll leave it to you’re own time. But before we part ways again… I want to know what happened to her.” Jack met the Doctor’s eyes. Odd seeing the deep brown where he was used to ancient, steely blue. The ancient was still there. “I loved her too, you know.”
His eyes misted again, but he didn’t let the tears fall. He forced them back, shoved it down. Grief would be private and when he had the full story. He wouldn’t be weak in front of someone again.
It was what he hadn’t said that gave the Doctor away. Rose Tyler, the best part of the team the three of them had been, was gone. Her courage, innocence, excitement, joy for life and fierce dedication would never be matched. No one would ever quite measure up to her if he used her as a guide. Just like no one would ever measure up to the Doctor. He’d been more than a little in love with both of them.
The Doctor was silent for a time, seemingly ignoring Jack in favor of the TARDIS. The only thing that betrayed he had even heard Jack was that he was moving slower then he had been before. He was a bit saddened that he wouldn’t be taking Jack with him when he left – at least not at this point, not without some convincing.
When Rose was mentioned however, he took a time to consider how to tell Jack what’d happened. He’d known at the time that Jack loved Rose, and he’d known she had affectionate feeling for Jack as well, he’d even told himself if the two ever decided to act on them he would have stepped aside, at that time anyway. Rose’s absence was not something that could be allowed to hang in the air between them though, not with Jack. He had worked his way around explaining her to both Martha and Donna, but Jack knew and cared about her.
Finally he swallowed thickly and looked up at Jack, his jaw tight. Another moment passed before his hands stilled and fell to his side and he spoke.
“I lost her at Canary Wharf, when the Daleks and Cybermen invaded.” He paused, taking a deep breath and wondering if he’d get punched again. He’d certainly feel he’d earned it… there were any number of things he could have done to ensure her safety that he hadn’t done, and now they were permanently separated.
Jack winced. He had seen her name on the list of the dead, of course. Along with her mother. He had held on to the hope, the delusion really, that it was a mistake. That she disappeared after the incident with the Doctor and couldn’t be located so she was listed as dead.
To have her lost to the Cybermen of Dalek. Oh God… if they’d lost her to either.
“Tell me she didn’t suffer.” Jack half wanted a lie. In a way it would be better if it was the Dalek. Over quick. The idea of Rose in a cyber conversion unit was the stuff of nightmares, and he had enough in his repertoire. “Please tell me it was quick.”
And it had been Torchwood that had been responsible. Even he hadn’t known what they had tapped into. In the end they were responsible for thousands of deaths. And it could have been so much worse. Jack felt his stomach lurch. Bile rising to his throat. Torchwood had killed Rose. It was a wonder the Doctor hadn’t already tossed him out the door. Or at least hit him back.
The Doctor frowned, looking at him for a moment as though he was speaking gibberish, and then his eyebrows raised in realization.
“Oh – no!” He exclaimed. “She’s fine, she’s alive different universe but quite alive. I just… lost her. I lost her. Couldn’t quite hold onto her… and now she’s there and I’m here and…” He trailed off for a few moments before sucking in a breath between his teeth in his version of a shrug and looking up at Jack.
“Well,” He continued, “nothing to do about that really, Time Lords gone and all. I’m sure she’s having fun with Mickey and her mum. Oh! Her dad! Her dad Pete’s there too, she works for Torchwood on that side. Clever girl. She’ll do great things.” He beamed at Jack then. After all, he was fine. The Doctor was always fine.
Relief washed over him in a wave. It felt like a cool wash over his entire body, taking with it his strength for a moment. His knees almost buckled and he had to lock them as his fingers grasped the console for support. Al in two or three seconds.
She wasn’t dead. She was alive and whole. But someplace else. Where there was life there was hope.
He finally looked to the Doctor.
He was beaming, seemed happy.
If you didn’t look into his eyes.
This version of the Doctor was different than the last. Not only in appearance. Little things, like this lying grin. The old him would have just turned dark and refuse further comment, not produce this mockery of casual happiness. Like it didn’t matter. If you didn’t know where to look he might actually pull it off. No he wouldn’t. Empty eyes, stiff posture. Anyone who read body language could read him.
“Tell yourself that so you can sleep at… well… whenever you do sleep?”
Jack may have followed the Doctor’s lead once. Would again, in fact, because he did respect the Time Lord’s experience, brilliance and odd integrity. But Jack was no longer the man he had been. He’d been through so many rebirths, he was in his own way, just as changed inwardly as the Doctor now was outwardly. Jack now had the weight of time behind him as well, and lessons hard won.
He wasn’t the impressed and enamored young man in awe of a legend and the wonders he produced. He was no longer the grateful wretch who was willing to go blindly into anything because he was accepted, part of a family. He wasn’t desperate to earn praise and prove himself worthy. He was Captain Jack Harkness now. No longer living off a stolen name, but embracing it as his own. He had made the hard choices, and become the man he had wanted to be. He still had room to change. He still needed to gain back a some of humanity he had lost in those changes, but he was not the type to accept and back off anymore.
“I would have given anything to have what you two had. Even for a day, a week, a year. You two gave me hope that there was something real and true and that love in its purest form actually existed. Don’t you dare belittle that. Not to me. It hurts like hell. You’re torn apart and holding the pieces together behind a thin veneer of self deception and most likely tossing yourself madly into one thing after another more than before just so you don’t have to think for long. But you think anyway, don’t you? And that self delusion is too thin. And the regrets and recriminations are eating you alive. You so want me to shut my fucking mouth right now. You want to smash my teeth in for my honesty, don’t you? Because it hurts so much you’d do anything to make it stop.”
Jack stood up straight now. Some of his anger coming back. Not at what had happened. No, the Doctor hadn’t lost her, life, that cruel, uncaring bitch had claimed their Rose. Jack was certain to his core that the Doctor had done everything in his power to keep Rose safe. He would have died for her. No, his anger was at this denial. This casual attempt to disregard what the most amazing woman in the universe had meant.
“How many times, Doc? How many times have you rushed into something, actually hoping you’d not come out of since then? As many as since she started putting you back together again?”
Jack did care if the Doctor hated him after this, he also loved him too much to let him continue this. Let the Doctor hate Jack and start to heal. Because his habit of hiding, especially from himself, was going to cause a total self destruct at some point. God, had the man ever really grieved for his home world, his people? Didn’t matter if it was in private, or in front of someone.
“She loved you. Still does. I’d bet anything on it. Oh, she’ll go on. Because she’s our Rose, and she’s too strong not to. But we both know she’ll never be the same. Yes, she’ll do great things. She’ll be amazing, fantastic. And I am so grateful that she’s not alone, that she has family to help her, because she’ll need them. Because her heart is just as shattered as both of yours. Don’t you dare belittle that with your denial. Don’t you dare pretend that that amazing thing you both had, no matter what you called it, was nothing and meaningless. She deserves better than that. YOU deserve better than that.”
Jack was breathing hard now. He knew what the Doctor was going through, had gone through, because right this moment he was feeling all of it. And what he felt had to be just a tenth of what the Doctor did.
“Now feel free to beat the crap out of me. I can take it. Kill me if you want. Kick me out and spew your feelings into some back room where only the Tardis can hear you. Just don’t you stand there grinning and shut down. I’m probably the only man in the universe that will stand up to you and talk to you like this because you need it. I love you too much not to. And love hurts no matter what way you look at it. It’s also the most powerful and glorious thing out there.”
The Doctor was a bit surprised at Jack’s outburst, but stood steadfast through it, listening as Jack ripped away all his masks and saw through to his core. He was right, about everything but the Doctor wanting to inflict pain on him to make him stop, he shook his head as Jack went on about that. Then looked up as he continued.
His eyebrows raised and he looked thoughtful as he considered how many times he had thrown himself in danger not expecting to come out of it alive, or in this body at any least. He’d started thinking that perhaps if he regenerated it might somehow lessen the pain – perhaps the next version of himself would be more hardened against it, or better able to bear it then he was.
When he started up again, this time about Rose’s feelings, the Doctor looked down at the console, letting Jacks words wash over him. He began shaking his head again as Jack spoke, and finally looked up with an intent look the likes of which Jack hadn’t seen on him before, not in this regeneration or the last.
“Jack, I’m not going to hurt you. Get that idea out of your head. Of anyone you’ve ever met I’m probably the one least likely to resent you for seeing through a facade. Even if it is my own…” He murmured the last bit, then moved around the console toward Jack, his face relaxing into a neutral look, but there was pain in his eyes.
“I wouldn’t belittle it, or her – not for the entire universe, this one or the next. I know she loved me, she told me as much -” He trailed off for a few moments, swallowing and looking up before shoving his hands in his pockets and taking a deep breath before continuing. “- when I was saying my goodbyes. I got the chance to and I took it.” He met Jack’s eyes again and gritted his teeth for a moment.
“Unfortunately I wasn’t able to tell her how I felt before our connection was cut.” He knew Jack would know how much that had torn him apart, knowing what it meant to Rose that she could never hear him say it. Another deep breath and a hand through his hair, mussing it before he went on.
“She’s amazing, and I have to remind myself of that occasionally. I’ve spent the last forty-five years coming to grips with the fact that I can’t get back to her!” It was the first real emotion the Doctor had allowed to slip out in front of Jack. He closed his eyes tightly, regaining control.
“I’ve lost companions before Jack, as well you know. I’ve gotten them killed, I’ve left them behind purposefully, they’ve left me – but I’ve never been unable to get to one I so desperately needed before. Oh, and I know love Jack, believe you me. I have had some fantastic loves in my life, but Rose.. Oh. Rose was brilliant, one of the best. I knew I’d lose her one day Jack, it’s inevitable with my life – you know. You know like no other human I’ve met.
“I deal with things like this Jack. I have to, to go on. That doesn’t make it any easier or mean I love her any less that I can smile when I speak of her, but there is a difference Jack. She’s alive! She’s out there, and she’s alive and she’s living her life!” When he smiled this time, it did go to his eyes, which glistened with unshed tears.
“She’s out there Jack, and that is the reason I can go on.”
The quiet resignation spoke more for the honesty in his words than anything.
He can’t get her back. Because the rips were closed. Every last one. It had been forty years for him? Jack sincerely hoped the Doctor had someone to travel with in that time. He knew Rose would not like him to be alone.
“You can go on because she’s alive. You’re a better man than I am, Doctor. You find comfort in that. And I do believe you there.” Jack shoved his hands into the pockets of his greatcoat. “I always liked knowing. I knew I would lose the ones I cared about. I never found the connection you had with her. But I’ve fallen on occasion.”
Jack looked down at the grating of the floor. “It devours something inside when I had to leave, had to maintain the facade of being normal because they wouldn’t understand. Knowing they’d grieve my supposed death. I came back as my own son more times than I can count. But I guess I’m part masochist, because I always kept an eye on them. Kept ways of knowing how they were, if they were happy, how their health was. I took care of them from a distance. I had to KNOW, you see. And I grieved every death. Even was there for three, although they didn’t know it was me. We deal with things in our own way. To me, not knowing is worse than holding a hand and making sure they had the best life they could right to the end.”
And he never would know how Rose was now. Did she ever heal enough to find happiness again? Did she have kids? Had someone else hurt her? Could her alternate father love her? Was she even really alive? He’d learned how fragile life was. So many things could end it.
“And before you think it, no. I don’t wish she were dead so I’d know how it ends. But wondering is gonna be part of me now. “ Jack reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “I lecture you on dealing with things, and I obsess.” He gave a wry grin.
“You’ve had forty years to resign yourself, huh? Might take me as long. I’d rather take the ‘where there’s life there’s hope’ route. Nothing is ever impossible, just very highly improbable. Even if it’s 99.999999 percent improbable. That isn’t a delusion. I’d say we’ve both seen the so called impossible before. Even when it was definitely NOT a good thing.”
Not that he was willing to risk hundreds, let alone trillions, for a chance impossible. Not even for those he loved. That was something he got from the Doctor. But hope was one of the few things he had to keep himself sane.
“So…” Jack ran his thumbnail along the edge of the consol. “What kind of tests you have in mind? If we can figure out what happened, maybe it can be undone.”
But did he want it undone now? The idea of eternity was terrifying beyond comprehension. To live to the end of the universe? He’d go mad. Or fly himself into a sun in the hope burning up to atoms would finally do it. But did he want mortality right this minute? He honestly didn’t know. He did want the option, however.